Heisler: Your NBA favorites have 2019 New Year’s resolutions to share

first_imgWalton – But you said I was Laker Family and this season was about being patient. Wait a minute, I’ve got your quotes right here:“I think the one thing that we have to, and the fans have to, be patient about is the chemistry on the court, because we’re putting together basically all these guys who will be new to each other, right?”Magic – Hey, times change. I owe it to Lakers fans to proceed according to my vision.Rich Paul, Klutch Sports agency – OK, here’s the next thing we want. Tyson’s been great but here at Klutch, we, er, I, think that we, er, you, still need more veterans.Magic – Wait a moment, I’m still writing it down.Paul – Carmelo Anthony’s out there and he’s not only one of LeBron’s best friends, but he can help us, er, you.Magic – Just so I understand: You want me to pick up Melo, after the Rockets shelved him with no one else interested in him, even with his minimum salary?Paul – That’s Fake News. We picked that phrase up following politics. Comes in handy a lot.We have our own vision at Klutch. We won’t rest until LB’s playing alongside the entire All-Star roster and his best friends.Chris Paul – I hope Melo helps you more than he helped us after I told the front office he still had it.James – What went wrong?CP3 – I don’t know. I pull a hamstring every time I think about it.Steve Ballmer – We have our own vision, in Clipper Nation! We’re going to sign two free agents whose names I can’t utter but sound like Kaui Lennard and Devin Kurant and move into our own building in Inglewood.Why would anyone want to be in downtown Los Angeles? No one goes there anymore.Jerry West – I keep telling you, the way it works around here, you go from Inglewood to downtown, not the other way around.Ballmer – But we’re downtown now and people barely know we’re alive!Donald T. Sterling – Thanks for the $2 billion, sucker!Ballmer – No problem, little guy. Took me about eight minutes to make it back in the market with my 339 million shares of Microsoft stock going up $65. That was $22 billion worth since I bought your team in 2014.With my personal fortune of almost $40 billion, I could have paid $2 billion per team and bought the entire Western Conference!Oops! Off $15 since our Oct. 1 high. There went $5 billion. … Oh well, easy come, easy go.Kawhi Leonard – Sorry, I can’t participate in tampering since I don’t talk about my plans … or anything, including the weather. Speak to my uncle, who’s in charge of my life.Ballmer – But he never talks, either.Kawhi – Exactly.Kevin Durant – There’s a place for me, somewhere a place for me.Steph Curry – Don’t leave, KD! We just won two titles together. Hasn’t it been fun?Durant – It was great fun, but it was just one of those things.Russell Westbrook – Don’t you know any songs from the last 50 years? And didn’t you just leave me in the lurch because you wanted to win a title and didn’t care how it looked?Durant – Word. And your point is?Draymond Green – Let that @$%$#! go, Steph. He was never really one of us.Curry – Thanks, Dray! Loyalty is so great. I know I can count on you to stay with me, even if your deal runs out in 2020.Related Articles Green – No comment. However, I’m totally committed to the Warriors, until then.Kyrie Irving – It’s way hard being an NBA star. You have to watch every word you say, like when Steph said we didn’t really land on the moon … or when I challenged everyone on Twitter to prove the Earth was round. Shouldn’t everyone be discussing world peace or something?Curry – Yo, Kyrie! I was kidding. I believe in science. Think of it this way, if the Earth was flat, as you propose, wouldn’t everyone on the other side just fall off?Knicks owner James Dolan – Is KD serious about the possibility of coming here? I’m going to reconsider my offer to sell the team!Knicks fans – No! No! Anything but that!Silver – And this is the most prosperous time in our history. Imagine what the other leagues are going through. Chris Paul, Russell Westbrook and other NBA stars pay tribute to Kobe Bryant For Lakers’ LeBron James, Jacob Blake’s shooting is bigger issue than a big Game 4 victory Portland star Damian Lillard (knee) to miss Game 5 vs. Lakers Video: What LeBron James said about Jacob Blake … ‘Black people in America are scared’ center_img Davis – Wait a moment, I’m still writing it down.Pelicans GM Dell Demps – The Lakers are doing it again! Tampering! Tampering! Tampering!Sign up for Home Turf and get exclusive stories every SoCal sports fan must read, sent daily. Subscribe here.Commissioner Adam Silver – No, no! LeBron’s just talking about real estate. Everyone out there does that.Luke Walton – I can’t comment but I’m excited about coaching whatever awesome combination we put together next season.Magic Johnson – Not so fast. Our NBA favorites have resolutions for 2019, even if those in Lakerdom are working on a happier New Year in 2020.Anthony Davis – Me, leave New Orleans? Never, or not until summer, whichever comes first.Of course, I’ll consult my principal adviser, who’s right here …LeBron James – Right. I’ve bought the mansion next door in Brentwood so you can have a place to stay while waiting to be traded, after you inform the Pelicans to do it or get nothing when you walk in 2020. On Mamba Night, the Lakers make short work of Blazers to take 3-1 series lead Newsroom GuidelinesNews TipsContact UsReport an Errorlast_img read more